GROUPIES ‘R’ US

~A monologue for an unfunny comedian transcribed on several Burger King napkins with a stumpy pencil on the J-5 bus to Silver Spring-as gleaned from a rambling rant by an aging hippy-type -presumably cranked on crystal Meth- one Saturday as a result of car trouble~
by MTF
(And I Quote:):

While we’re on the subject of Groupies..(..are we? Or is it just me?)..Well,y’see..the point is, I’m sort of a Groupie’s Groupie; that is to say- rather than shrinking away, my nose wrinkled in disgust at the imagined sexploits of these persons who chase,scheme, AND YES;at least in some cases..) even Plaster Cast the rich and famous… I find myself FASCINATED with Groupies..I mean, face it, this AIN’T collecting butterflies , folks..this is TRUE adventure..this is HUMAN quarry..the two-legged beast. Now of course- to be sure- we’ve all heard of the flamboyant, and a few cases, MUCH publicized and MUCH maligned ROCK ‘N ROLL Groupie; the actions of whom we scarcely need to speculate. given the tawdry volumes on the market, which set down in lusty detail,WHO DID WHAT TO WHOM where and with which brand of utensil or fish species in fetid intimate detail leaving DAMN LITTLE to the imagination..so really, I admit it! Groupies Fascinate me..so,y’see, the deeper I delve into the subject, the STRANGER and more forensic the subject becomes…why- I’ve found Groupie-ism has split into so many sub-variants that’s becoming tough to keep up and categorize them. I’m running out of thumb tacks and wall space. I may need to rent file cabinets from Homeland Security. Now most of us have read or seen or been exposed to the more common variety of sexual deviants- usually on the evening news..or..um..in the vestry-the print media and the film loop at eleven..these are your considered NORMAL everyday deviants- we’ve got them pretty well sussed..so okay! We’ve got ten fingers! Let’s count ‘em up! Homosexuals, Bi-sexuals, A-sexuals..oh yeah and HETERO-sexuals (for those of you living in the Castro District of San Francisco who may need a refresher..) then we have TRANS-sexuals..(which I always get confused with subway or metro-bus gropers..) And we have in fact a new category- METRO-sexuals, which brings us BACK to rapid transit issue - at least IN MY mind..which is admittedly confused by the apparent possibilities. I mean, so what does one do in order to become a Trans-sexual or a METRO sexual? Get a bus transfer? A SMART-pass? Well, in any case, thanks to the Cable network, we’ve become pretty well a jaded and ALL-KNOWING culture of voyeurs. We know everything there is to know whether we started out or PLANNED to know it or not. Ignorance in deviant behavior is no longer an option. Even in Jesus Camp they have a special tent(or closet-if you prefer..) where they give courses on the subject..for credit. I think Jimmy Swaggart and that Christer(and cousin to Jerry lee Lewis the Piano Rocking Fornicator) from The Republican National Committee are the Department Chair. I always heard that the Vatican has the BEST pornography library in the world. Yep one has to ask, JUST HOW NAKED IS THE TRUTH? In Italy they show tits to sell granola..yeah, right there on TV..those Italians take their breakfast SERIOUSLY man. It’s visceral. Tits mean good nutrition…to the British, French and Italians this makes sense, but I wouldn’t know first hand. I’m an American child weaned in the Dr. Spock generation…I’m bottle-fed while my Mom smoked Lucky-Strikes and drank strong black coffee and considered Thalidomide an option for morning sickness. I grew up with Have-Gun-Will-Travel playing on the TV. Mom told me that when she was stressed out from my caesarian delivery she bummed a cigarette from the Attending Doctor. He had a couple packs extra in case things ran on in the Birthing chamber a bit longer than expected. Yep. Pall Malls. Unfiltered, man…that’s right..unfiltered and that’s me. I’m a BOOMER. Yep..part of the ME generation. I hope yer taking notes..we made the cultivation of sub-culture a science, a rabid hobby..a way of life. Oh SAY IT TRUE! We’re in charge now. That’s why you turn on the TV and are treated to Fashion Models eating worms and what an autopsy looks like after salt water submersion…while you chow down on your microwave dinner. Fun for the entire family! Cinema verite, baby! Cellphones with cameras. Hello IRS? Here’s a close-up of my anus..yes..yer welcome! My pleasure! Ain’t technology a hoot? Why waste it on egg-head scientists and Captains Of State? Hell..lets all go “Trailer” and have some real fun!
So, to return to this GROUPIE thing- it’s definitely more of a HOBBY than a gender preference or a cult of some sort. Ok, it’s more like collecting seashells or motel matchpacks with John Holmes or Linda Lovelace, or swapping baseball cards with the nice Asian lady at the Massage Parlor. Or scrabble with a Sex Therapist. Jeez..how bout that GREY’S ANATOMY show? Wow..now there’s a far cry from Doctor Killdare and his weeney little soap opera. They didn’t call it GENERAL Hospital fer nuthin. Welcome to the BOREDOM WARD, we all know what REALLY went on at General Hospital- or at least WE THINK we do. Nurses doing M-Dieties; Nurses and Radiologists, Radiologists and Proctologists..whoa! My head hurts thinking about that pairing. And then the final most Logical pairings between Proctologists and Insurance Adjusters…yep- it always comes down to viruses. It’s love in the WART WARD with Doctor Killdare…(what a name fer a Doctor…you think they did that on purpose? Subliminal name play in Hollywood? Ya Think?)..Hey forget the underwear catalog! We got flesh on Television now, Grandpa! No need to be a shrinking violet, Grandma! How bout those boob implants! Grandma’s eighty and stacked like a VIRGIN! Hey! It’s Viagra in case you old guys couldn’t figure it out the FIRST TIME! Talk about REDUNDANT ReDUNDANTCY and Nostalgic Fixation ! We put that goofy Sears Catalog to shame..We discuss and show things that the last generation got put in prison for. In fact some of em ARE still in prison in TEXAS. Yep. Right next to the guys they put away fer life for possession of eight seeds of Marijuana. They have a special Criminal Social Deviant Wing in most Texas prisons. That’s where those Naked Woman mudflaps are manufactured that you see in Truck Stops all over this great Nation. In case you wondered, WOOPIE Cushions come from Florida Prisons. I understand that Jeb Bush gave free Woopie Cushions to all State Employees and Chad-counters who served in the past couple of Presidential elections. Katherine Harris has an entire Time Share in Orlando FULL of Woopie cushions. There is speculation that Katherine Harris IS A WOOPIE CUSHION. It’s a bionic thing. Congressman Mark Foley has been working on a new design in his new “consulting” position for The Florida Correctional Department in Tallha –ASS-ee. Talk about a possible WINDFALL for a former CEO of Hypocrisy Incorporated. There’s one in every crowd. Jeez, given the state of politics, entertainment and road-rage out here- Groupies seem positively refreshing! Wholesome! Creative..what with the Plaster and all. Shoot, it’s a Petri-dish out there in Groupie-Land! Groupies are no longer just for Rock Stars! There are Groupies who love Cops, firemen,soldiers,Cable guys and The Roto-Rooter man! Damn..there’s even a sub-sect of women who love Uniform shop owners. (think of the possibilities in that wardrobe closet..) Hell..before it all went sordid and haywire yer everyday Music-type Groupie was about FREE LOVE, conquest, a notch on the ol’guitar neck. I mean this whole FREE LOVE thing and fetish specialization thing started it all! I ask you, AMERICA..where does it stop? As long as the Art Types were in control it was fun and earthy…NOW it’s like, INTENSE! Like having an Electric Hari-Krishna with a Viagra boner,a DVD burner and a Cellphone Camera camped out across from your toilet. It’s like MAGIC…you pee and it is on YouTube and your body cavities are being Googled in seconds for the forensic amusement of thousands of subscribers in Poukeepsee, Riaad , Baghdad and Waukeegan. Now that’s space age! That’s a triumph of the Computer-Age! It’s not like this is unprecedented..Hell, it’s magnificent, Heroic Post-apocalyptic Voodoo..ask yourself how long Elvis has been mulch- and yet HE STILL can impregnate from the grave. Ah Hah! Sex with the Dead is not shocking..it’s the next step away from Video dating or cellphone masturbation. It’s a logical progression. Just the printed image can be enough- been to the Grocery Store Check-out lately? MULTIPLE ORGASAM caused by Elvis photo in Grocery store. Love Me Tender…legal tender.
Hey- how bout those Princess Diana autopsy photos? The Sadaam Hanging video. No wonder that guy at the 7/11 always seems to be mopping the floor when you need a coffee. The floor is getting slick from the auto-eroticism in our Modern World convenience store. Fans are being Hospitalized. Forensics and Proctology and Computer Repair are the hot new fields for today’s college graduates. Cut and Paste. Images defy the imagination. LIBERACE FONDLES THE Apparition of Edgar Allen Poe FROM THE CRYPT LIVE ON CABLE. Everyone is driving and watching it ALL LIVE on their BLACKBERRIES and CELLPHONES.
Talk about rude-rage, This is a true DC bottleneck on the inner-loop. Your Traffic report from the Radio Station Hellicopter- “ I Don’t Know WHAT’s going on, Cleet! It looks like thousands have forgotten how to drive! They’re out on the pavement! Naked, Groping in one giant earthwormlike Orgasamic mass! Slow Down…slick conditions ahead! Definitely STAY TO THE RIGHT TO GET BY.”
It suddenly strikes me that most Advertising Executives are PROMO-sexuals. People with stomach problems? BROMO-sexuals. People who love Alaskans? KNOMO-sexuals. The list is endless…see? Groupies for impotent? TRY-sexuals. Groupies for bank managers? LOANO-sexuals. Hungry Dogs? You guessed it BONO-sexuals. Pillow salesman? FOAMO-sexuals. Yep…the list stretches from here to Tiahuanna and right back to Dick Cheney’s rifle cabinet.
I had a dream last night that I was Hitch-hiking and E.T. gave me a ride in his new Hybrid car and he turned out to be a Bi-Species SHLOCKO-sexual. He tried to fondle my ears and when I wouldn’t submit to his unwanted advances he took me parking at the Washington Monument. He left the car running and ran out to greet the Space ship as it landed. It was full of Space-voyeurs. They had come from the Mounds of Venus to admire the largest man-made Phallus in human history. They ALL had cellphone cameras made of some space-age material. I felt a tap on my shoulder.
It was a two-headed Space-guy. One head looked like Allan Greenspan, The other President Bush. They leered at me lasciviously, winked, and put a hand on my ass.
“ Mind If I Ask You A Personal Question?”