Sunday, December 27, 2009

DEAR MYSTR Treefrog's Holiday Advice Column- December 26th, 2009

T.F and RF from Cross keys Write:

I am at my in-laws in Bel Air. If I hurled you into a dollar store, blindfolded, and made you crawl around until you randomly pointed at something, that would turn out to be better gifts than what my in-laws bought for us. Robbie didn't even know what the fuck he got. It turns out, "a fake men's dresser drawer, for all your jewelry."Does Robbie seem like the type who needs a fake men's dresser drawer, for all his jewelry?I got stale candies filled with liquor. My maintenance man is born again, so I can't even give them away to him. If Robbie doesn't let me leave them behind, which I'm sure he will, I will throw them out on I-95.

Signed :Crossed At Christmas


Dear Crossed at Christmas- Chill! At least enough to make this horrorshow a truly meaningful experience. As the Wise one says- Failure is just Success that is totally fuct.
Here's my advice:

The Stale liquor filled candies are for the drive down Martin Luther king Ave at Rt 40 down to just beyond Pratt St. The homeless guys love 'em.Save those.
The Fake Men's Jewelry drawer should be filled with pieces of marble and handcuffed to your In-Laws chihuahua and pitched into the Choptank.
But perhaps you should stock up first on video tape.
MY NEW HOLIDAY is kind of a hannukah Chistmas mixed with Idol-woshipping Luau dancers fit of body and that sexy Borneo Pango-Pango Riddim- naked from the waist up (lets be fair Men And Women -but more women...this is not ENTIRELY objective)
There will be no need to actually slaughter a pig as a sacrifice- we'll simple lead a couple pigs to the alter and show them the Choptank chihuahua DVD in Blueray.
There will be drumming. Lots. And all torches will be lit with a proper shamash. Yule logs will be lit - being first primarily doused with pure Tennessee corn liquor and rolled down the hill whence a bunch of guys in multicolored Mr Spock and/or Lord Jesus duds and costumes will attempt to race the flaming yule log down the hill...and after gaining speed actually HOP OVER the flaming Yule logs and out run them with fire crackers- (in the shape of baby jesus )strapped to their asses. The winner jumps into the ocean without being mashed or having their buttocks set a-chattering with the best invention the Chinese ever devised.
Where upon gifts- or actually GIFT VOUCHERS will be exchanged. Condoms and paper flowers will rain down on all Festival Attendees like it was a Prince Concert finale.
The week between this new holiday and New Years day( on which Kwansa Haiku will be recited backwards at poetry slams) - all elves and small people will be able to make ALLtall guys their personal weekly chore bitch. Nothing kinky- just dusting rafters and changing light bulbs and saving kitties from trees. In a pink speedos 1 size too small. Nuts idea,huh girls?
Will you be among to sign my petition for this new and graceful holiday?
And oh- for desert we'll have uber Jeezus freeks dressed in polar bear suits on their own chunk of dry ice floating around a wave pool. Slingshots will be available in an array of iridescent metallic hues. Ammo will be Candy cigarettes filled with amaretto., Cherries Jubillee!!

Your festive friend;
MYSTR Treefrog

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